yadda yadda

yea yea i know, two blogs today? but what can i say i found some extra time, i found some extra words and some extra umph! but not much extra. its nearly march, where on earth did the time go? school is almost out. summer is almost here. mikey's first grade year is almost over! Harold has been in korea now for 18 weeks 2 days. ive been a single mom on the verge of a nervous breakdown for about 18 weeks 1 day. march is a busy month for us, mikey will start his ocupational therapy 2x week, zach will be fitted for AFO's to help support his ankles, he should recieve his new stroller/wheelchair, he will be recieving diapers thru our medical supply company, zach will meet with an eye doc to check him out, and of course we have the normal appointments, cardiology, pulmonology, GI, the in home therapies (physical, speech, and ocupational) for zach, oh and somewhere in all of this i need a dental visit for me, will be meetiing with the doc for this weight loss thing and frequent (2x week, b12 injections) and hopefully i will get the van back from the shop, and of course lets not forget spring break! yes needless to say i can see this month flying by.

i miss Harold, i miss not being able to eat dinner with an adult, not getting that quiet time with the kids in bed to talk. not getting to go out, not getting to stay in. i just miss him. ive been blessed beyond all that he can call so frequently now, and if it werent for that im sure i would have gone crazy. i feel anxious alot, the zoloft helps still, but i feel anxious, moody and sad still. i dont think there is a "pill" to help with half your heart is overseas....no im pretty sure its something ill have to wait it out.

ive been blessed to have the nurses to help me out, as much as at times id like to kick them out and have my house to myself, they provide a great relief, a great help, and friendship. our day nurse alex has been a tremendous blessing, having her here during the day is like being at a friends for lunch, its like forgetting she is here to help with a special needs child, its as if she came by to visit and zach is just another normal babe, normal, wow that is a concept i cant comprehend. i also cant spell tonight and i dont really care to bother to try. chance will be going to day care for a few hours here and there thruout the month, i need a break and he needs to get out. its for the best. ill just do my best to keep him germ free once he leaves the day care center. tomorrow he will go for the first time, will he cry and beg me to stay? will he forget i was even there? the last time he went was with mikey, him and mikey are like conjoined twins, lets hope he can handle it and in the end he loves it!! so tomorrow he will go for 3 hours and i will take zach to get his RSV shots and then go to mikey's parent teacher confrence. thursday chance will also go to daycare for about 3 hours i think, the plan for that day is to have lunch out with alex at an indian restraunt and then get a pedicure. aw the relaxing, the quiet, the girl time, im almost giddy with excitement.

on the days when i get down and out and feel like throwing in the towel or feel like ive failed the kids or im drowning here and cant reach the surface, where i feel like im alone and forgotten, im blessed to have the best friends here, im not a big social person, so i dont make lots, but the ones i do i keep for a lifetime, they are the ones who when you reach for their hands you touch their hearts and vice versa, im blessed beyond measure to have them in my life. i love you , yall know who you are. the family i never knew i had, and the ones i always want in my life. okay okay enough with the mushies hu?

anyway life with special kids is demanding, stressful, and i wouldnt wish anyone to have to endure pain and suffering for the kids, but the rewards they bring in our life is truely priceless. im better as a person with my kids, special issues and all. i cant imagine my life without them, nor do i want to.

as i watch chance i see so manyof "mikey's" traits in him, the sensory stuff (spilled a drop of water on my shirt, shirt must come off!!) the holding his ears in a crowded place or when the toilets flush, its odd to look at the lil things and see nothing, but when you know what to look for the lil things add up to a big puzzle. the rocks that chance carefully lines up outside, as well as all his mcdonald toys that line his walls....may be overlooked by some, but in my heart i know, i know what it means, and i know what must be done. we will see the specialist, we will catch it sooner than we did with mikey. there is no denial with this, not for me at least, a mom knows. i sometimes worry about how Harold will react when he comes home and his world is thrown upside down with all the appointments,therapy, and the list of diagnosis', i hope he can roll with the punches and him being away for so long wont have changed him. i hate the seperations in the army, i hate it. im very proud of the job he does, im proud of him, but we miss him so much, each in our own ways, the boys dont say alot, but in their actions they speak volumes.

starting with mikey, here is a list of diagnosis'

sensory processing disorder, adhd,insomnia,asperger's, dyslexia

chance

ezcema, asthma, allergies, (ones undiagnosed, but mommy knows) sensory processing disorder, on the autistic spectrum

zach

repaired congenital diaphragmatic hernia, repaired subdural hematoma, brain attrophy, scoliosis, GERD, oral adversion, chronic lung disease, restrictive airway disease, pulmonary hypertension, pulmonary hypoplasia, gtube fed, developmental delay, more to come....

okay i suppose i was long winded tonight, i doubt anyone reads much of this, so its just a release for me and a way to record my crazy thoughts.

sometiimes life is hard, but three words sum it all up.....IT KEEPS GOING.

tough times dont last, but tough people do.

oh the excitement

oh wow, i have so much excitement. first we got our tax return, and im happy to say all 3 credit cards are paid off and the kitchen table is officially ours, lol. i am just so relieved to be able to get rid of that debt. the washer, the fridge we now officially own too. ive also bought a new set of dishes, from correlle, they are beautiful, and since they are made from correlle they are made tuff and sturdy. ive also ordered some kiddie dishes from thesoftlanding.com and am waiting on them to arrive as well as some awesome eco-friendly non toxic water bottles from klean kanteen.

seems like lots is going well, and to make matters better, im goin to be approaching this weightloss head on and hope to loose a bunch, ideal, gosh im not sure,maybe 60lbs maybe 80....dunno, i know for sure i want more energy, i want to be healthier, i want to wear the clothes better and i want to FEEL better. im going to go talk to a doctor in town about b12 injections and a fat burner injection as well as some prescription pills and a diet as well. im very excited and very hopeful. how awesome would it be to have harold come home unaware of the weightloss!! ive struggled with my weight for a long time, ive been soda free (other than diet soda) for a couple months and havent seens much of a change on the scale, maybe this and the la diet will give me the boosts i need!

not sure if i mentioned on here, but our van was in a wreck a bit ago, its in shop still, maybe in about 2-3 weeks we will have it home all fixed. it was about 7 grand in damages!! ouch!

words from a tired mommy

im tired, both physically and mentally, and even emotionally to the point where its time for a few drinks. i need a break. i need to take the kids to a respite care provider and take advantage of the free hours and breaks. ive come to the conclusion i cant do it all, and i cant do it all on my own.

zach is under the weather, has been almost 2 weeks, we thought it was a stomach bug at first, then the fever left, but he still isnt himself,tomorrow we will go see a doctor, maybe its just teething, maybe its an ear infection,maybe just terrible twos but we need to get some answers.

ive very excited a friend gave me some wonderful information for a great diet plan and im hoping it works, i plan to start probably in 2 weeks, maybe sooner if i can get a break long enough to read it over and make out my shopping list.

this week i just feel stressed. and tired. blah!