the family

the family

Monday, November 16, 2009

whispers in my head

havent had a lot of time since we started homeschooling to sit and pour my thoughts out....not to say i dont have any to spill out though....that would scare me ...the thought that my brain was on a (gasp) break?? eek....never fear...lots of pointless thoughts are about to be poured out...

so some thoughts on homeschooling, some days i HATE it, i HATE not having ME how selfish is that? seriously...i mean is that REALLY something that should bother me? well it does. i want to be able to sit and watch tv, to surf the net, to go shopping with NO kids in tow....
and then i sit back and take another look around and realize that THOSE small wants cant compare to what the boys AND me are gaining. the boys ARE listening, were gaining family time, were gaining learning experiences everywhere...and in the long run were gaining time...time thats not wasted in school lines waiting to pick them up, time not wasted in traffic coming home, time not wasted waiting to go places when school is on break. we arent tied to any schedule, but what we make. i find that i put more expectations (stress) on myself than probably anyone else would...this is good i guess...keeps me accountable, helps me stay on target for teaching the boys. ive been using our library like crazy checking out books on homeschooling for me, crafts, activities, books that help with science, social studies...its amazing what resources they have. its endless.

Zach has been doing wonderful with his crawling and exploring, IF you can get him motivated he is GONE. he LOVES to kick/hit our entertainment center, chase wipe packages down and play with paper. he still isnt much for real toys, but slowly he is exploring them. he is such a joy, and we are so blessed to have him, for the most part i can always look on the bright side, but there are occasions that i just want to scream! i mean he is 2!!! he should be running playing, saying "no" and "hungry" and so many other words, and he "should" be eating by mouth....a parent shouldnt have to rely on a surgically placed plastic tube in his stomach to feed their child! i shouldnt need a syringe and extension cord to hook up zach's feeding and pour the liquid pediasure thru the tube....what "normal" baby/child hits his head HARD daily to say "im tired"? he leaves marks on his face from this, and just keeps going. some days i want a normal child......but then i have to remind myself...then he wouldnt be zach, God gave us Zach, as he is, perfect in God's eyes, for a reason....and thats an honor, and a true blessing. zach will remain innocent longer than most, zach will communicate with his heavenly friends that he can see and we cant, for years longer than others would, zach will remain my cuddly baby just a bit longer... i know this...and yet...some days i want to scream. in the end, im human, im not perfect and i break....they make a wonderful medication...zoloft, that helps with the anxiety of life...:) this helps the optimism last a bit longer than it normally would....(though im really debating with removing the word normal from our vocabulary).

our christmas deco is partially up...yes its WELL before thanksgiving and its up...there is one is the season of peace and always makes me happy, last week i learned from the hubs that instead of deploying in 2011 it looks like it could be 2010 now...depression hit, only i have no time to worry, or grieve, or any of the next best thing...denial and redirecting my emotions/energy...decorations!!

speaking of army, and deployments, these are the times when i want to lead a civillian life, i want out. hubs has been in for 9 years now...that means WE have been in for 9 years, for many of those years i never thought of life outside of the army...between the last deployment and life with the boys on my own in the past couple years has stainned my view, however it really doesnt seem plausable between zach's medical needs, doctor visits, medical supplies, therapies and the boys medications and therapies and such our out of pocket with most insurance would be insane, and with the economy, its not that its impossible but its definatly scary. for hubs the "safety net" is to stay in. so for now there is alot that i push aside on my "plate", but the army has been good to us, medical wise, housing wise, financially stable for the most part.i just HATE HATE HATE the deployments, the seperations, the strains on the family, on the marraige, on the kids. sigh. enough of that soapbox.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

bad blogger

yep, i am a bad blogger. lots has happend since the last post. first, Zachy had a wonderful birthday, we celebrated his party on nov. 1st, on oct. 28th, 2 days after he turned 2 zach did the most amazing thing! ZACH CRAWLED! he moved his legs 2 movements actually moving himself. it was so amazing. my lil boy did it! so proud. he has worked VERY hard for that and im just tickled pink!

Zach's party was nice, he had great company, awesome gifts, and some very yummy food thanks to our wonderful friend, Nadine. very much a success.

on novemeber 5th a tragic event took place here at fort hood, a army major, who was a psychologist and also a muslim shot and killed 13 people and injured 29 i believe on fort hood. it was a very emotional and scary day,very unreal.

Zach saw his pulmonologist today,the appointment went wonderfully, i was very happy. zach's sat's and lungs were very good. we were able to wean down his lasix (a fluid reduction medication) from 2x day, 3 day week to 2x day 2x week, it may seem small, but just a few months ago we were at 2xday 7x week, so its working its way down. were hoping in about 6-8 months we may actually be OFF oxygen!! that would be incredible. we also had a blood chemistry done today, i guess the results will be back in a few days, this checks his potassium and sodium levels, were thinking we may be able to decrease those medications as well since the lasix is decreased. zach's weight was down again...he has been getting more mobil and using more calories so its normal for him to loose weight, but he needs more calories to help with growth of lungs and such. so zach went from 760ml/calories of pediasure a day to 1000ml/calories a day. he was 24lbs 10 ounces and 34 inches long.

we cancelled his sweat test for tomorrow, it wasnt the correct procedure we were looking for, this test wouldnt determin how well or how much he sweat, but more, how much of a certian chemical is in his sweat to determin if he has cystic fibrosis, and we know he doesnt, what we are trying to determin is DOES he sweat? and if so, how much? ive never seen him sweat. so for now were back to the drawing board.

42 days until christmas! i am already in the holiday mood, ready to put up our tree, ready to decorate, sip on hot cocoa, sing songs and just bask in the season. i love christmas time! i doubt ill be able to hold out until thanksgiving to put up our tree. :)

every year people make resolutions, most never happen, even with the best of intentions, im guilty. my usual is to "lose weight" and trueth be known, i probably gained instead. this year however i want to correct a few bad habits we got into about 2 years ago, after we had zach and we were living at the ronald mcdonald house, we didnt cook, many nights food was provided by various people and we would grab a bite to eat in the food court in the hospital, we did this day in and day out for months, since then its been much easier in my mind to grab food out rather than make anything, i want to break this habit for many reasons, i would love to have a dinner schedule, family time, save the money, try new foods, and im sure it would help to loose some weight. so im going to try to start this resolution now and hopefully it will stick in the new year.


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