road to finding "me" part 3

around 2 years old we also learned that chance had asthma...he had had 2 severe cases of croup and then the diagnosis hit. he also had allergies and ezcema, and had a small growth on the side of his cheek, we found out was juvinile melanoma and had it removed thru surgery. life seemed to be spinning out of control, but we were managing and doing okay thru it.

April 2007 we learned we were having our 3rd child, shortly after in May i had a small accident in a 711 and had dislocated my knee 12 times in 12 hours, i was in PAIN, on meds, that i wish i could have avoided being pregnant. i was in a knee brace with a walker for about 2 months, i had ocupational therapy myself to help me get up and moving again. in july i was out of therapy and by the 19th we had our BIG ultrasound scheduled, i couldnt wait to find out if we were having a boy or girl! i was so excited. the ultrasound tech said it was a boy, and then got very quiet a few moments later the OB came in, my heart sank, i was afraid, i knew this ment something was wrong, but there is no way i could have prepared myself for what was coming. i was told my son had Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia, i didnt know what those words ment but hernia didnt sound to bad. then i was hit with the knews of what it ment, i was told abortion was a option. we met with a ob councelor and a case manager who helped set up future appointments with specialists for the baby. i was devestated. the same day we were scheduled to move into our new apartment on post, a bigger place to accomidate the new baby, only now i was told there may not be a new baby coming home. we researched and found the best doc we could in houston to deliver Zach. Zach's delivery came early, on Zach's time, as everything soon would. i was life flighted to houston in labor in a helicoptor, i had signed the proper forms saying i understood the risks of flying while in labor, that i understood the risks of already having scar tissue from previous csection, that i knew i could potentially die, i could have placental abruption and both me and Zach die. but what other choice did i have? stay at the local hospital where they know NOTHING about zach, his needed care, they didnt have proper machines to keep him alive after birth. if we stayed he died, point blank. i HAD to go. the life flight team was wonderful, and the OB department took over. by morning the contractions hadnt stopped, labor was still progressing and when the amnio was done to check zach's lung growth, maternal blood was found...showing that my placenta was indeed abrupting. the csection HAD to happen NOW. luckily Harold was with me, the boys were with his parents (a whole nother story) and on oct 26th at 805am, Zach was born at 33 weeks weighing in at 4lbs 7 ounces, 18 inches long. he was intubated immediatly and i didnt get to see him till that night.

Zach stayed on the vent to breathe for him, thru his surgery to repair the hernia at 5 days, he remained on the vent until christmas morning when he self extubated (remember i said everything is done in Zach time) he seemed to be doing well as far as i could tell. he was still needing oxygen and at the time a CPAP machine to help deliver pressure to his lungs. in january we left houston and transfered to a closer hospital to home, by this time we needed to be with the boys more, mikey was being cared for, or rather not cared for, by my inlaws and chance had come to stay with us at the ronald mcdonald house after only a week with the inlaws (they couldnt handle him) mikey would have been with us as well had it not been for school.

Zach remained in the new hospital for 3 months, i found the care at this hospital to be awful and really felt like we had to get him out inorder for him to survive! he left the hospital after his second surgery to place a gtube, this was how we fed him his formula thru a tube and syringe as he still wouldnt allow for oral feeds. after only having him home for 5 days Zach went into respitory failure and was sent back to the same hospital but the PICU this time not the NICU. the PICU was a God send, my faith was restored with the caring doctors and nurses, the atmosphere was much different than that of the NICU. Zach was on the vent again for 6 weeks before we were able to get him back on a nasal canula (portable oxygen) after tweaking some meds and getting new scripts we brought Zach back home. this time he was home for about a month, when he had a seziure, the seziure we later learned was caused by a bleed in his head, called a subdural hematoma, it was repaired and we were told it was "old" blood, unsure how the injury occured, and that he had brain atrophy from this. he was sent home on seziure medication as well. up until this brain surgery zach didnt respond to anything, didnt smile, he cried alot. he was fussy, and would just lay all day. after the surgery we saw him SMILING!! it was a miracle. he started to slowly respond to things and "wake up" in a way to his world.

Harold again left for korea this time in october, only about 6-8 weeks after getting zach home from this brain surgery. times were tough. we had nurses inside our home all the time to help, and while it was help, it was a bit "odd" as well. we had therapists coming in as well. many appointments each month to see his specialists, his cardiologist, his pulmonologist, his neurologist, his orthopedics, his GI doc, as well as all the "normal" baby things. needless to say in all of this the boys issues kinda got put on the back burner for a while. shortly after though we started ocupational therapy for mikey though and started to dig further into their issues. with new medications for mikey and chance sleep got better, moods got better, things were looking better.

Harold was gone for a year, when he came back chance was in pre-k and mikey was in 2nd grade. both boys were having problem and issues in school, mikey was hiding under his desk, chewing his clothes, unable to pay attention, complaing the room was to loud and kids were mean and on and on, he wasnt keeping up with his school work and was having an overall bad experience. chance was getting in trouble for "always bumping into kids" (remember i said he was a crasher) and for having to walk circles around you when he talked and unable to sit quietly when needed, he had verbal tics that he would do when he was nervous and it would inturupt the whole class. it was taking a toll on both me and them. it was one more stress i didnt see the point for anymore. i withdrew them both from school after the first 9 weeks and started homeschooling.

whispers in my head

havent had a lot of time since we started homeschooling to sit and pour my thoughts out....not to say i dont have any to spill out though....that would scare me ...the thought that my brain was on a (gasp) break?? eek....never fear...lots of pointless thoughts are about to be poured out...

so some thoughts on homeschooling, some days i HATE it, i HATE not having ME time....now how selfish is that? seriously...i mean is that REALLY something that should bother me? well it does. i want to be able to sit and watch tv, to surf the net, to go shopping with NO kids in tow....
and then i sit back and take another look around and realize that THOSE small wants cant compare to what the boys AND me are gaining. the boys ARE listening, were gaining family time, were gaining learning experiences everywhere...and in the long run were gaining time...time thats not wasted in school lines waiting to pick them up, time not wasted in traffic coming home, time not wasted waiting to go places when school is on break. we arent tied to any schedule, but what we make. i find that i put more expectations (stress) on myself than probably anyone else would...this is good i guess...keeps me accountable, helps me stay on target for teaching the boys. ive been using our library like crazy checking out books on homeschooling for me, crafts, activities, books that help with science, social studies...its amazing what resources they have. its endless.

Zach has been doing wonderful with his crawling and exploring, IF you can get him motivated he is GONE. he LOVES to kick/hit our entertainment center, chase wipe packages down and play with paper. he still isnt much for real toys, but slowly he is exploring them. he is such a joy, and we are so blessed to have him, for the most part i can always look on the bright side, but there are occasions that i just want to scream! i mean he is 2!!! he should be running playing, saying "no" and "hungry" and so many other words, and he "should" be eating by mouth....a parent shouldnt have to rely on a surgically placed plastic tube in his stomach to feed their child! i shouldnt need a syringe and extension cord to hook up zach's feeding and pour the liquid pediasure thru the tube....what "normal" baby/child hits his head HARD daily to say "im tired"? he leaves marks on his face from this, and just keeps going. some days i want a normal child......but then i have to remind myself...then he wouldnt be zach, God gave us Zach, as he is, perfect in God's eyes, for a reason....and thats an honor, and a true blessing. zach will remain innocent longer than most, zach will communicate with his heavenly friends that he can see and we cant, for years longer than others would, zach will remain my cuddly baby just a bit longer... i know this...and yet...some days i want to scream. in the end, im human, im not perfect and i break....they make a wonderful medication...zoloft, that helps with the anxiety of life...:) this helps the optimism last a bit longer than it normally would....(though im really debating with removing the word normal from our vocabulary).

our christmas deco is partially up...yes its WELL before thanksgiving and its up...there is one reason..christmas is the season of peace and always makes me happy, last week i learned from the hubs that instead of deploying in 2011 it looks like it could be 2010 now...depression hit, only i have no time to worry, or grieve, or any of that...so the next best thing...denial and redirecting my emotions/energy...decorations!!

speaking of army, and deployments, these are the times when i want to lead a civillian life, i want out. hubs has been in for 9 years now...that means WE have been in for 9 years, for many of those years i never thought of life outside of the army...between the last deployment and life with the boys on my own in the past couple years has stainned my view, however it really doesnt seem plausable between zach's medical needs, doctor visits, medical supplies, therapies and the boys medications and therapies and such our out of pocket with most insurance would be insane, and with the economy, its not that its impossible but its definatly scary. for hubs the "safety net" is to stay in. so for now there is alot that i push aside on my "plate", but the army has been good to us, medical wise, housing wise, financially stable for the most part.i just HATE HATE HATE the deployments, the seperations, the strains on the family, on the marraige, on the kids. sigh. enough of that soapbox.

tis the season

the flu and virus season that is...bleh! i was becoming nervous with the boys in school and have even slightly considered taking them out of school so that not only would they be healthier but Zach as well. i have debated for years with doing a bit of homeschooling but never went further with the idea, about 4 years ago i met a neighbor (funny how God places you with people you need) who was a mom of a adhd son who homeschooled him, at the time mikey wasnt even of age for pre-k so it wasnt really even thought about. this year the neighbor i have that i mentioned in the last post, who has the boys with the similar issues as mikey and chance, also has started homeschooling this year. sometimes i wonder if im not being given signs? so anyway last week i was really becoming anxious at the thought of the boys getting something and bringing it home, and on Friday morning at 2am i was awoken by chance who was gasping for air, making seal barking noises (croup) and freaking out, he was flailing on the floor, i tried to give a breathing treatment to him and saw that it wasnt helping any, his lips were turning blue and i called 911 for help. he was transported to the hospital at 220am and given another breathing treatment, poor guy had thrown up on himself and was so out of it. he was given a IV with steriod medication and monitored for 4 hours, this episode was much worse than the others ive seen in the past, and he was nearly admitted to the hospital:(. so again i wonder...was this a sign? i dont want to jump the gun, and i dont want to ignore God if he IS trying to talk to me. just not sure.

Chance is much better now a lil hoarse sounding but doing well. ive been cleaning up the germs, mixtures of vinegar, tea tree oil, lavendar oil and rubbing alcohol

Zach seems to be doing well, he is happy of course as always and cheerful. he is such a strong lil guy. i ran into a resident who was at the PICU where zach was for training while we were at the ER, he actually works at the ER, we were loading in the van and he rememberd us, said he and others still talk about zach, its always such a nice thing to hear, that he has left an impression on people.