a place to release

wow, its been a long time since i was on blogger....by the looks of the last blog here it was right after chance was born and we entered our second deployment...why is it im now blogging here again at the start of another deployment...i suppose its cause there is so much tension and so much stress, more so now than with the other deployments. im coming upon the day...july 19th, last year we had our ultrasound on july 19th this was the day we learned zach was going to be a boy and the day we learned that zach had a defect, i still hate that word, congenital diaphragmetic hernia, this was a day my world stopped at least short term. i was given options to terminate, and of course i couldnt, wouldnt. but still my world stopped and part of me died, so to speak. a new part was born but that carefree person is gone, i dont regret it, but its different. this was also the day we moved into our new house on post, this house was filled with bad memories for me, the stigma that we moved there on that very day. let me tell ya im so happy to be out of that house and now into our own. we love our new house, i just wish i had longer to share it with Harold.

last week he was "in field" but able to come home at night, this week and next he is gone for the whole time, other than a few "shower runs" that last 1-1.5 hours max. im trying hard to unpack here, clean organize, get everything from old house and keep the chaos that is my life straight. mikey and chance fight from the moment they wake up until they are sleeping. most days i cant even breathe. im worried about mikey in school, but i cant even get him help here at home reading or with math, there simply isnt enough time in the day. and his concentration isnt there, i cant get him to listen to anything, he does his own thing. i had hoped the adderall or ritalin would help, but not so much. and his sleep schedule has been a mess since he was 2, he doesnt sleep. he can wake up at 3am and go until 3am the next day, sleep 2-3 hours and be ready to go again. and before someone mentions it...ive taken everything out of his room before, he plays with his hands, ive locked him in his room, nothing works, the psychiatrist thinks its a neuro issue. probably linked with his ADHD and probably inherited from dad.mikey was diagnosed at 18 months with sensory intergration dysfunction and i think this is still also playing a rol l with him, and he could benifit from some therapy assuming i can find someone around to do it. Chance has some similar isues with sleeping as well.he will see mikey's shrink doc soon to evaluate him, he has been so whinny lately and i hate that. his allergies have been flaring and i worry about his asthma, usually oct-march are his bad months but you never know. mikey is actually on medication for sleep, both over the counter herbs and prescription drugs as well, with no help. all of this combines for some long days and usually some very long nights.
today was no different, i had no time to even breathe. i realize i miss harold's help. im not looking forward to korea, not looking forward to being seperated for a year or more. and quite frankly i just dont know if im up for the challange. i feel very stressed. and though i am forever blessed to have Zach at home with us, he is a LOT of work. he is so delayed motorly that he doesnt do anything for himself and he is quite heavy, 21lbs 1 ounce to be exact. im thrilled to have him home and to watch him grow and get healthier at the same time im so tired. 6 breathing treatments, 17 medications, 4 gbutton cleanings and an 18 hour continous feeding drip each day are so tiring. im thankful for our nursing help, this is the time i run errands and clean, but when they leave its even more chaos. i know one day zach wont need all this extra stuff and it will be a thing of the past and he will be so caught up on everything, so until then this is what we must do.
i realize this is coming off as a vent, and i guess it is, but not because of my kids, just because of circumstances. i love my boys, all of them, though they are all a handful. i just wish we could all be a family together and spend more time together. our 8th wedding anniversary is next week, we wont be able to be together, our 9th he will be in korea, so maybe number 10. im just feeling overwhelmed and lonely tonight, sorry for the vent. thanks for listening.