gasping

i have this overwhelming feeling of sinking in water, unable to reach the surface, unable to breathe. i can feel my chest tighten, i feel an huge weight on my shoulders. anxiety im sure. is it an anxiety attack? that im unsure of. i just wish there were some way to get to the surface and breathe!

were home, thats a huge relief, and despite what i wrote ^ i am very relieved and happy to have been able to bring zach home after one day in the picu. he seems to be doing fairly well and were so greatful. he has 10 days of antibiotics and on higher amount of oral steriods. zach was becoming quite cranky today, and i discovered why...at 11.5 months old zach has his first tooth that just broke thru the gum line!!! wahoo!! i know this tooth came at the perfect time...Harold's flight for korea just got moved up by 3 days. sure it may not sound like a lot, but when your talking about the 22nd vs the 19th, its so much time, so many memories and moments that wont be made! im mad! im angry! im devastated, and broken hearted, and ,,,gasping for air.

how....

how will life go on...how will i carry the job of two parents for a year, how will i deal with 3 special needs kids, and one who is medically dependent? i want so badly to break down and cry, and i just may, but what good will it do? will it buy me time? no. will it change the outcome? no. im afraid if i do begin to cry i wont be able to stop.

i want so badly to soak up all our time left as a family, instead were stuck with a list of things that still need to be done.

in the next year Harold will miss
zachs first birthday
halloween
thanksgiving
christmas
new years eve (my birthday)
new years day
chance's birthday
valentines day
easter
mikeys birthday
the end of school
the begining of summer
his birthday
4th of july
our 9th wedding ann.
the begining of school
the first day of Chance's very first school year

he will miss approx. 115 ocupational therapy sessions for zach, countless doctor appointments, hopefully zachs first roll, first crawl, first food by mouth, maybe first steps, first words.

he will miss mikey's test results to learn if he has dyslexia or not. he will miss out on dozens of Wii games with him, hearing all his wild stories.

he will miss Chance growing like a weed, watching him soak up so much and learn so many things.

I will miss laying next to him in bed, gripping cause he left socks on the floor, making dinner and having to reheat it cause he worked late, watching COPS on tv for hours with him, hanging out on the weekend knowing how blessed we are.

im sure ill put up a front and pretend it doesnt bother me as much as it does, stay strong until he is gone, but the future with zach scares me to pieces, and alone at that. mikey's struggles in school i fear will be more so with his dad gone. of course chance's asthma always scares us, he seems to get croup at least1-2 times each season and lands in the ER. im scared, im mad, i miss him already, and he is still home. what will it be like when his closet no longer holds his clothes?(in the past when he went to iraq he didnt take his normal clothes, but for korea he will) the thought is overwhelming to suddenly have him gone...even his items.

i feel like im suffocating, time for some zoloft and some sleep.....

tomorrow is another day, another day as a family together, whole, complete, another day to cherish and store in memory. another day to wake up and say...i love you.