and it starts

today started off well, i had extra sleep, kids werent fighting and then WHAM out of nowhere came this brick wall that my heart slammed into....i thought to myself where did this come from? why wasnt i prepared for it? i thought i had many more blocks to travel before coming into the area of the brickwall, instead i hit it fast and furious, or did it assult me? you see i was eating breakfast with harold, the kids, zach and my mother in law, and we were talking about zach, how quiet and good he is and of course how cute. and we were talking about my sister in law, as they have a new baby who is 6 months old, healthy and fine, and we were talking about his developments, as i enjoy hearing about his progressions to a point..when its to the point we are comparing zach with any other baby id rather end it there, but anyway were talking about it and my mother in law brought the brick wall up, i didnt see it coming, so you see i couldnt turn or dodge it. she told me she talked to my sis and bro in law and told them not to bring up their babies developemental progresses to us unless we ask, so that we arent feeling bad. it seriously felt as if id hit the wall going 90mph and no airbag caught me. i felt as if zach had been singled out, i felt the "looks" "talk" already begining. ive noticed in the past week or so with all our appointments having zach out in the public more, were getting looks and we always here people "awwing" but not like...aw a new baby, like "aw you poor thing" and it rips my heart each time to hear that. i actualy had one lady stare and tell me she was so sorry...i had so many emotions at that time, anger,embarassment,sadness,and i was just in shock. i know she ment well, as she was a mom herself. i dont know when the feelings will get better, or if this is the begining of whats in store. will we always face this? will we ever be able to steer away from the wall and overcome the obsticals?
friday zach had his neuro appointment, long story short, mri couldnt rule out or rule in cerebal palsy, doc tested muscles and said they were floppy and that this could be a factor, his history also, and that basically it "could" be cerebal palsy, but he wants to wait 6 months to see before diagnosing. i took the news okay, i think mostly cause i suspect it anyway. im trying my hardest to think of labels as nothing more. to always see zach as the whole picture and not let it be clouded with labels...but its hard. we also touched base on the fact zach could have infantile spasms, and if he does we should notify the doc quickly, i researched at home and it reminds me alot of what we see in zach...but are his just weird jerky movements or soemting more? i feel so helpless in all this at times. im always told how "strong" i must be or such things, and i dont always feel strong, i know i dont want to be strong always. i feel weak much of the time. just trying to stay afloat in a ocean of waves. i recently became a medicated mommy, after a lot of struggle with emotions and moods that i cant control on my own, after almost a week i can finally say, i havent cried in almost a week. i know there will be moments and a pill isnt a cure, but life has been rough and i needed help...that was a very hard thing to admit. truethfully other than a few months here and there ive struggled with this for a few years...so it was time. im hoping a medicated mommy=a happy mommy.