feeling blah

lately ive been having some mood issues, i just feel blah and i know there are many factors to contribute...hormones, stress, lack of sleep, but i also know its coming from some negativity ive been getting, and not on purpose by any means. family...they mean well...right? they worry about things to the wrong extent...they force their concerns on me, as if i dont know the worries and the stressors, i dont need to hear them again. i dont need to hear how someone thinks i cant handle the kids on my own for a year...hell ya i dont think i can either...but i will, what choice do i have? and of course i dont want zach back in the hospital, but what can i do if it happends? be by his side as much as i humanly can. so i brush their worries off, i force mine down and im left feeling blah. (john and kate plus 8, where are you???? i cant find the tv show on tv to cheer me up) with everything thats gone on the last year ive had to look at life with my glass half full, there is just no other way to survive.

i worry bout what the doctors will say about zachs last head ct, will the blood be back? will he have more brain damage? will they say the words cerebal palsy again? will they say something worse? what will the outcome be? i look over at my angel sleeping in his swing now and think "brain damage"? just isnt fair, isnt right. ive noticed i look at other babies in stores with new eyes, i see how fragile they are, how helpless and how powerful in the same sence. i regretfully also have resentment, i would NEVER want a baby to suffer or to go thru even a portion of what zach has, or the parents for that matter, and yet i wonder "why zach?" i know God has the answers and only he knows the plan. we have to just believe zach will make a full recovery and will lead a normal life, some days are just harder than others. i look at pregnant ladies now and see the obliviousness they have, its hard to think back and remember being the same way, thinking nothing could ever happen to us, it seems like so long ago now.

well ive rambled long enough time to get dinner going and go check on sleepy head zach. the weekend wasnt long enough, but i suppose it never is.