emotions

well im emotional, i think this is a normal thing for most females? ive always worn my heart on my sleeves...not always the best thing, but the only way i know. sometimes i hate my emotions, hate to show them in public for fear of being weak...though i guess at times its good to show this, to show the "human" side of it all, but its something im not comfortable with. as result ive had doors litteraly closed on me by guys walking ahead of me as im carrying a ton of things and they dont bother to hold it open, ive dropped huge items or had to carry heavy things for far distances while people walk right next to me. sometimes at low moments these incidences can leave me in tears, others i brush it off.

but back to the emotions, being an emotional person stressors and anxiety have bothered me a lot, and with the whirlwind of our lives, as i have said i have gone to the "crutches" of medication to help with this. well i recently upped the amount of medication and am hoping this will provide more aid. life is hitting hard, hard enough that times of watching john and kate plus 8 and autism x 6 are still not leaving me feeling like we have it all that much easier than they do, i find people telling us how seeing us with the boys make them feel like they have it easy.....soooo not what you want to hear right? some days a good scream in the pillow would be soooo appropriate!

today im feeling many emotions and things just keep coming. today is oct. 1st, that means at most harold has 3 weeks left here at home before he goes to korea, 3 weeks isnt much time. 3 weeks to spend time with the boys, to memorize their faces, 3 weeks to get projects done at the house, 3 weeks to make videos and tape recordings for the boys, 3 weeks to prepare for a year apart. in this small amount of time we have zachs first birthday party, earlier than his actual birthday, we have a babyshower, we have to get the fence finished at the house, the rooms finished painted, we have to do so much, and still enjoy our time and cherish the moments we do have left. so today it hit me, and i doubt all the medication in the world could have helped with the emotional roller coaster i felt. Then i went to get mikey from school, and his teacher greated me with a smile, mikey had passed his spelling test with a 100!!!! my joy was thru the roof! i was so happy and suprised for my lil boy. then i learn that that was only done orally, done written, he failed miserably:( this sent my heart into my stomach, we work so hard with new techniques at home, we use tacticle learning things, we study and work hard, then his teacher told me, she wants to have him tested for dyslexcia (sp) again my emotions were mixed, on one hand im so greatful to have a teacher who cares and sees his potential, who doesnt just write him off as a bad child unwilling to try, and on the other hand i felt sorrow for mikey, if this is indeed the case its something im sure he will struggle with for a long time and i hate that for him.

so its been a very emotional day, and i fear this is just the begining for at least a month:(